Infractus Animus
by Goldenheart11
Summary: He thinks he can save her. She thinks there is nothing worth saving anymore./Cryle with extremely minor Stendy, Clyle, Candy, and Bunny/Gender Bender/Warning: Self-Harm, Swearing, Alcohol Usage, and Abortion


**Infractus Animus**

Summary: He thinks he can save her. She thinks there is nothing worth saving anymore. Cryle with extremely minor Stendy, Clyle, Candy, and Bunny. Gender Bender Warning: Self-Harm, Swearing, Alcohol Usage, Heavy Swearing and Abortion

Note: Before you flame this for being a gender-bender, be aware that it's extremely essential to the plot.

Note 2: Did you know that Kyla is actually a Hebrew name? Considering Kyle is Jewish I think it's cool the female equivalent of his name is Hebrew.

Note 3: I don't cut myself so I apologize if I got the mindset totally wrong.

Note 4_**: **__Infractus Animus_ is Latin for broken soul.

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park, if I did we would see way more Craig. And I would be dating Clyde.

SPSPSP

Kyla Broflovski is not someone who should ever fade in to the background. With her bright red hair, vivid green eyes, and fiery personality she's always stood out. When she begins getting quieter and paler Craig Tucker is in all honestly surprised and it takes a lot to surprise him. He thinks Stan, Kenny, or even Cartman will do something to snap her back to normal but they don't. Her supposed super best friend is too obsessed with fighting the fat-ass for Wendy (he's not sure what's so great about the dark-haired girl) and Kenny is in his perfect world with Butters. He keeps thinking they'll say something to her.

(they don't)

SPSPSP

Kyla sometimes feels like she's drowning and no one stops to help her resurface. She's crushed by what everyone expects of her but she's always been a people pleaser. Maybe that's why she nods her head when her mother talks about her becoming a doctor (she can't stand death or needles, she was in the hospital far too much as a child), or promises Stan that Wendy will come along (she hates this, can't they just break up once and for all? their on/off relationship gives her a headache). She is tired of talking about going to Princeton with her father (she understands that's his alma mater but she wants to go to Yale so badly.) and Cartman's stinging insult have taken their toll more than anyone can begin to fathom (how long can someone hear insults flung at them before they begin to crack? not. long.). She feels tired and so sick of nodding her head and swearing everything's all right. She's not a fucking doll! Everyone thinks they can just play with her, do whatever they want and good little Kyla will be okay with it.

(she lets it happen though. she disgusts herself.)

SPSPSP

It's used to be like a game to Craig Tucker now. Watching Kyla and seeing what makes her react like she would before she started fading. It's not anymore though, because nothing causes her to act like herself anymore. When Cartman insults her for being Jewish he's screaming inside his head _tell him to fuck off! _She just weakly glares and tells him to shut up. He used to hate her temper but he finds himself missing it. Tweek asks what he's staring at and Craig tells him it's nothing.

(why should he care about Broflovski? they were never friends)

SPSPSP

The first time Kyla cuts herself, she just wants to feel something other than disgust with herself, frustration, and sadness. For a couple beautiful moments all she could feel was the razor blade slicing through her delicate skin and the crimson blood oozing out. It was a little like her own personal refuge. Suddenly, she forgot about Cartman's cruel words, Stan and Wendy's eternally doomed relationship, her mother pushing her towards being a doctor, her father pushing her toward Princeton. She forgot it all. Or at least it was pushed to the back of her mind. Suddenly, it feels like hurting herself is the only thing keeping her attached to the world. She'll do anything to forget.

(she's _not _addicted she can stop anytime she wants!)

SPSPSP

Craig Tucker has never been more concerned for someone in his life. It's stupid, they barley talk yet here he is waiting outside a classroom for her after the school day ends. She sweeps out of the room without even glancing at him and walks away.

"Broflovski!" called Craig

"Yes, Craig?" Kyla asked tiredly

"Not going to scold me for calling you by your last name like you used to?" Craig asked masking his concern

_Don't stall dumbass!_

"No." Kyla simply responded

"What's wrong with you?" Craig spat out before he pussies out

"Excuse me? I hardly think you know what's normal for me. Craig, we barely talk." Kyla said calmly

"Why aren't you denying it? Telling me to fuck off?" retorted Craig

"I'm humoring you." Kyla merely said

"I'm not a complete idiot, Kyla. I can tell you're not yourself. What's wrong with you?" Craig can't help but ask

"Nothing." Kyla said calmly

"Enough with the fucking one word answers!" spat Craig

"I'm leaving, nothing is wrong with me and as you so eloquently put it 'fuck off'. Happy?" Kyla snapped before marching away

(he really REALLY isn't happy. it went nowhere but at least he riled her up the tiniest bit… right?)

SPSPSP

Kyla has been scared before, but never this badly. Craig calling her out makes her nervous. Who else has noticed how she's been acting? If Craig, _Craig _of all people!, noticed has Stan? Kenny? Cartman? She really dislikes the idea of them knowing she's up to something. They would make her stop, she just knows it. She needs this though! They wouldn't understand! She's _not _doing anything wrong! Besides, if she wanted to stop she would. She knows her limits. She won't kill herself or anything dumb like that. Self-harm and suicide are completely different! If she wants to hurt herself to get away from…anything or everything then she will damnit! Stan Marsh and Kenny McCormick don't have a say in that. Craig Tucker sure as fuck doesn't either!

(she ends up taking a metal hairclip, and a lighter to her arm. the hot metal makes her forget about it all and by now it just feels _so_so_so _right. fuck Tucker, she's still herself!)

SPSPSP

"I heard you talked to Kyla."

It only takes six words to get Craig's undivided attention, a feat most can't achieve.

"What the fuck are you talking about, McCormick?" Craig retorted coolly

"Butters saw you two talking after class. He didn't mean to eavesdrop or anything but you two weren't hiding it." Kenny replied

"Okay, what of it?" asked Craig sharply

"I think you're right. She isn't acting right." admitted Kenny

"Of course I'm right. Why are you telling me this, though?" Craig said

"Maybe if we both talk to her together-" Kenny started

"What the fuck? You talk to her. I'm not even Kyla's friend." protested Craig

"If you two aren't friends why were you the first one to notice?" snaped Kenny

"The rest of you are retards. I said something because your whole group is full of irritating idiots and none of you noticed she was acting weird. I really _really _don't give a shit. Leave. Me. Alone!" deadpanned Craig

"Fuck you!" spat Kenny before leaving

Craig flipped Kenny off as he left.

(when he sees Kenny fail miserably in his attempt to talk to Kyla he reminds himself he definitely doesn't care)

SPSPSP

Kyla gets nervous when Kenny tries to talk to her. She lies through her teeth and convinces him that she's perfectly fine. She saw him talking to Craig and has a bad feeling he had something to do with this. She's so fucking tired of everyone butting in to her god damn business! If she wants to cut and burn herself why should anyone care? If she wants the shut the fuck up and be by herself why should anyone care? God damn it, they're all driving her insane! Why does everyone suddenly care? They never gave a fuck before! Now she's found a way of feeling better that people might not approve of and everyone's riding her ass? It's total bull-shit! It's not like she _never _talks. Just not as much as she used to. She. Doesn't. Need. Help!

(she wonders for a split second when she started losing herself but she's not lost…. right?)

SPSPSPSP

Clyde is babbling about some retarded party he's throwing and Craig just wants him to shut up. He doesn't give a fuck about how awesome Clyde is insisting it'll be or how everyone is invited. All that Craig can think of is Kyla fucking Broflovski. He used to hate her so much but now… He confronted her weeks ago and she's gotten progressively worse. Quieter and blanker. Lately, it seems like blank is the best word to describe her. He's supposed to be an uncaring asshole but he can't help but worry about the redhead. He's the one who's supposed to be emotionless and she's supposed to be the caring one. When the fuck did their positions get switched?

(and why is he ok with it?)

SPSPSP

Kyla doesn't care anymore. When Stan stops talking to her she doesn't care. When Kenny drifts away to his perfect little world she doesn't care. When Cartman shoves her down in the hallway she doesn't care. Hell, watching Cartman and Stan get in to a fist fight over Wendy doesn't make her feel a god damn thing. She tries to remember when she stopped caring about everything but, surprise surprise, she just doesn't care. The only reason she drags herself to Clyde's party is because Ike has been getting too smart for his own good. He's been noticing the way she never wears short sleeves, the ways she has retreated in to herself. She's tried to stop cutting herself temporarily to draw Ike's attention away and it's driving her insane. She's praying that there's beer at this party because she needs _something _to help her forget. When she finally gets to Clyde's house she's stunned at how many people are there. Clyde wasn't kidding when he said he invited everyone. She notices a few people who seem surprised to see her there. Stan, Cartman, and Wendy are all giving her odd looks from the couch. Butters squeals and pulls Kenny over then tries to talk to her. She manages about five minutes of frustrating as all fuck small talk and asks Kenny where the keg is.

"You don't drink." protested Kenny

"Yes, I do." replied Kyla

"No, you're the biggest fucking lightweight I know!" Kenny objected

"Kenny, I know my limits. I won't get trashed!" Kyla fake laughed

"I guess…" mumbled Kenny pointing her in the direction of the keg

(lies_lies_lies. she has every intention of getting as trashed as she can)

SPSPSP

Craig doesn't even bother showing up to Clyde's retarded party. He hates it when there are so many people around you that you can't even breathe. He can't stand to be in his house either, though. All his parents do is scream at each other. He would've left a while ago if it wasn't for Ruby. He wouldn't dream of ditching his little sister like that. He ends up going to Stark's Pond with her.

"Why do mom and dad fight so much, Craig?" asked Ruby

"I don't know, Ruby. I wish I did." admitted Craig

"We'll never fight like that, right?" whispered Ruby

"Course not. We're the right kind of family, Rubes. We just have to wait for mom and dad to stop being idiots and find out they're shitty parents." Craig casually stated

"I love you, Craig."

"I love you too, Ruby."

SPSPSP

Kyla wakes up naked and lying in bed next to Clyde. She doesn't need to be a genius to figure out what happened last night. She tries to feel something, anything!, other than total emptiness. Somehow she can't bring herself to feel what she used to. She doesn't feel disgust with herself, she doesn't feel upset she had drunken sex, she doesn't feel a thing. She silently drifts around the room and picks up her clothing. After she's found it all, she dresses herself and leaves. She has no reason to stay. Nothing needs to be said. She's done.

(when she gets home and her parents throw a fit she doesn't care even a bit)

SPSPSP

Craig gets to school Monday and Clyde finds him right away.

"Why didn't you come to my party?" whined Clyde

"I didn't want to." Craig stated obviously

"It was awesome, though" protested Clyde

"I think you're mistaking me for someone who gives a fuck." yawned Craig

"I totally got laid." said Clyde with a grin

"Did you not hear me say I don't give a fuck?" asked Craig

"I fucked Broflovski." said Clyde still looking smug

Craig isn't even aware of what he's doing until his fist hits Clyde's face with a sickening noise.

(he did it because no one should take advantage of someone as fucked as Kyla. he doesn't care about anything but that)

SPSPSP

She sees two pink lines on the pregnancy test and isn't terribly surprised. She was puking too much each morning, and has been so fucking tired. The idea of Clyde Donovan's baby inside her doesn't fit. She never loved him, he never loved her. They both used each other that night. Even drunk, she was well aware she was using him. Kyla Broflovski is no idiot. She's not stupid enough to delude herself in thinking she could ever take care of this baby. Hell, she can't even take care of herself! Clyde isn't father material; he could never raise a child. The idea of it would be comical if everything wasn't so fucked up. So what now? She's never been so uncertain of what comes next. Everyone has always planned every step of her life and now she finally gets the control she's yearned for. She doesn't want it now, not like this. She still has a life to live! Didn't she? She isn't ready to be a mother. She cuts and burns herself! She drinks! Hell, this kid is inside her because she drank until she lost herself. Then had sex with a guy she didn't even like. Fuck, she's so lost. Craig had been right, she was different. She is different. Kyla Broflovski couldn't be more certain she's fucked up as she numbly gathers up all the money she has in her room and drives to Planned Parenthood. She couldn't feel number when she asks the receptionist about getting an abortion. She pays all four hundred dollars for the abortion to avoid her parents finding out. She fucked this up, she will deal with it.

(when the abortion procedure is over she feels empty and broken. she's done trying to convince herself nothing is wrong, Kyla Broflovski is dead. she has no idea who the fuck she is.)

SPSPSP

Craig and Clyde are still the same sort of friends they had been before. Clyde may be a douche but he's never been one to hold a grudge.

"I didn't know you had a thing for Kyla." said Clyde with a sly grin

"I don't." scoffed Craig

"Dude, I said I fucked her and you decked me. You have a thing for her." laughed Clyde

"No, I don't." repeated Craig irritably

"Why do you care I fucked her if you want to have sex with her? Unless…" said Clyde his eyes going wide

"I don't give a fuck about Broflovski." snapped Craig

"You, like, want to date her? Fuck, I thought you never would want a girlfriend! Just a line of fuck buddies…." Clyde said looking stunned

"I don't want to date her. I think she's messed up and I pity her." Craig spat

"You don't care about anyone but Ruby. You definitely feel something for her. Should you talk to her?" wondered Clyde

"I just feel bad for her. I know what it's like to have your whole family suck but your younger sibling." shrugged Craig

"Yeah, her mom's a total bitch. Just like you like Kyla. A lot." added Clyde

"Shut the fuck up. I just feel bad!" hissed Craig getting pissed

"Craig, you don't usually feel bad for people. You laughed when Stan got all emo pussy a couple years ago." Clyde pointed out

"I hate Stan." said Craig

"Why? He's a retard but that's not hate worthy. He is Kyla's best friend though. Or he used to be. He's being kind of a dick." admitted Clyde

"I hate him because… I just do. Okay?" sighed Craig

"Talk to her. If she's as fucked up as you think she at least needs a friend. She's always alone lately." Clyde said

"Jesus Christ, when did stop being a total retard?" asked Craig

"When my best friend started actually caring about a girl." said Clyde with a grin

(despite it all friends are there for you. maybe that's why he hates Stan so much. he claims Kyla is his super best friend and doesn't even know the most important rule of friendship.)

SPSPSP

Kyla doesn't talk anymore. A few simple words and she's done. She keeps thinking about the baby she killed. Like what it would have looked like. She always sees the same thing in her nightmare. A pretty little brown-haired girl with wide green eyes a soft, fair skin. She is clinging to the edge of a cliff and cries for her mommy and Kyla can never move. The girl stares at her with a look of total betrayal before she loses her grip and plummets.

"Kyla, you okay?" asked a voice softly

She turns to see Butters staring at her with concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Kyla lied

"Oh, okay." mumbled Butters before scuttling away

The blonde haired boy is awfully thin, she blankly thinks. She could've told what's wrong Butters but it's her problem. She will not burden anyone else with her problems.

(she goes to the bathroom, takes a metal barrette out of her hair, and a lighter out of her pocket. isn't it ironic how she started doing this to stop feeling and now she does it in hopes of feeling?)

SPSPSP

Craig knocks on the door to the Broflovski house and Mrs. Broflovski answers.

"Is Kyla here?" Craig asked calmly

"No, she is not. I'm sorry, I suppose you'll have to wait until school." Mrs. Broflovski said with an accusing tone to her voice before shutting the door

Parents have never liked him; they all think he's a terrible influence. Yet, Cartman isn't. Total bullshit.

"Craig? Kyla is at Stark's Pond." said someone quietly

He whips around to see Kyla's little brother Ike staring at him.

"Oh, thanks Ike." said Craig, slightly startled

"I'm scared for her." admitted Ike

"Me too…" mumbled Craig as he gets in his car

It's easy to find Kyla once he gets to Stark's Pond. No one else is there and her fiery has always been noticeable.

"Hey." said Craig walking over to her and sitting beside the redhead

Kyla doesn't respond, and Craig realizes there are tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Kyla, what's wrong? Don't give me the bullshit you've been feeding everyone else. Talk to me." Craig practically begged

"Why do you care?" Kyla managed to say in a sob

"I don't like seeing you like this." admitted Craig

It isn't until she shivers that he realizes she's sitting in the snow without a coat, hat, or mittens like most South Park residents wear due to the frigid weather.

"Here, you need it more than I do." said Craig taking his blue coat to Kyla

She stared at it for a long moment before putting it on silently.

"I'm not me anymore." whispered Kyla

Craig wrapped his arms around her and she leaned into him still crying.

"Then let me help you." said Craig

"There's nothing left to save Craig. I'm gone. I always have been, haven't I? Even when I stood in the hall protesting." sobbed Kyla

Craig confirmed the fear always in the back of his mind when he slid his hand to her arm and under the sleeve to feel bumpy ridges.

"You see? I'm gone. I'm gone." Kyla said gazing at him

"You're strong Kyla. You can stop. You told me I can't save you, can you at least let me try?" asked Craig

"I can't stop. You're only going to get hurt by getting involved. Just like she did." Kyla said

"Just like who did?" Craig asked

"I never named her. It would have been Katriel, I think." sobbed Kyla, holding her stomach

"Kyla, were you…" Craig asked in shock, unable to finish

"I never should have had the abortion! I should have been strong, told Clyde, told my parent…" wailed Kyla

"Oh my God, Kyla…" sighed Craig

"I'm more fucked up then you though, huh Craig?" whimpered Kyla

"Shit got messed up, definitely. I want to help though. I care about you." Craig said firmly

"You shouldn't care. I'm gone. God, why do you care?" Kyla choked out

Craig kisses her unthinkingly, and she kisses back.

(she tastes like tears and broken hearts)

SPSPSP

Craig won't be able to save her. She's not sure why she's even letting him try. She thinks the only reason he kissed her was out of pity. It still felt nice, though. She lets him drive her home, and they go to her room.

"Give me the lighter. And those hairclips you use to burn yourself" Craig said calmly

"I can just buy more." Kyla sighed

"Oh, you won't" Craig confidently stated

"Why not?" Kyla asked, not sure if she wants to know the answer

"If I think you are, I'm telling Ike so he can watch you when I can't." said Craig

"You wouldn't. You promised not to tell!" shrieked Kyla

"I also promised to do anything to help you. That overrules the 'don't tell' rule." Craig said

"But…" started Kyla

"No buts, hand them over now." Craig snapped

"Fine." Kyla spat handing over a lighter and a few of her hairclip

"I'm not as retarded as your friends. Give me all of them." Craig said tartly

"That is all of them!" lied Kyla

"Bullshit. Do I have to search your fucking room?" asked Craig

Kyla gathered the rest of her hairclips and her other lighter while glaring at him

"Going to take my razors too?" drawled Kyla coldly

"No." replied Craig dumping the hairclips and lighters in his backpack

"Wait, what? You're taking those away but not my razors? I cut far more than I burn." protested Kyla

"I can't force you to stop, Kyla. I need you to want to stop. I'm taking these in hopes that you'll stop at school." responded Craig

"How did you know I burn at school?" asked Kyla looking startled

"I assumed, you confirmed" merely said Craig

"Jackass." she grumbled

"That's me." agreed Craig

"Why did you kiss me?" Kyla asked before she could stop herself

"Why does a guy ever kiss a girl?" asked Craig staring at her

"You don't like me though." objected Kyla

"Yes, I do. I took a shitload of time and Clyde smacking some sense in to me but I figured it out." admitted Craig

"You shouldn't like me. I'm fucked up." sighed Kyla

"Well, we're trying to fix that, right? So it'll all work out." Craig pointed out

"So, what are we? Boyfriend and girlfriend?" Kyla asked awkwardly

"Only if you want to be. You need to work this shit out yourself, you've taken orders from everyone for too fucking long." Craig stated

"I-I think I do." admitted Kyla, "It's nice to feel like someone cares. I thought no one cared."

"Well, you were wrong. I am always right after all." Craig mocked lightly

(her laugh sound far to disused and Kyla can't help but wonder if Craig really can fix her)

SPSPSP

When they get to school she grips his hand tightly.

"I can't do this. I'm going to lose it during the day without burning myself." whispered Kyla

"You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. I have faith in you. You used to be so confident, try to channel some of that." Craig suggested giving her hand a reassuring squeeze

"I'm not the same as I used to be." protested Kyla

"That's right; we're working on making you even stronger. No promised it's going to be easy because I doubt it will." Craig replied honestly

"I guess." she mumbled

"Um, hey Kyla. Hey…Craig." said Stan approaching the two with a puzzled expression

"Hi Stan." said Kyla

"Marsh." Craig simply responded

"Uh, I didn't know you two were…" Stan started

"Dating? Well we are." Craig said

"Yeah, it's new." said Kyla looking like a deer in the headlights

It's too easy for Craig to forget she's been trying so hard to avoid attention for a while.

"So who did Testaburger finally pick? Or is she still stringing you and the fatass along?" asked Craig coolly

"Shut the fuck up, Tucker." retorted Stan

"Make me, Marsh." challenged Craig

"Stan, Craig both of you stop." pled Kyla

"Alright, Kyla." sighed Stan

"Yeah, whatever." Craig muttered as Stan scuttled away

"Don't fight with him, please?" asked Kyla

"He's been a shitty friend." snapped Craig

"He's just been wrapped up in his own stuff. He didn't notice." reasoned Kyla

"You shouldn't let people walk all over you, Kyla." replied Craig

"Yeah, I guess a lot of this could've been avoided if that was the case, huh?" sighed Kyla

He gives her a kiss before they go to their different classes.

(he's never been a religious person, yet he prayed last night for Kyla)

SPSPSP

Kyla's sitting alone in her room doing her homework. Her head hurts and she failed a quiz today. She hasn't cut herself in what feels like too long. She knows that's a good thing but it is awful for her. She craves what the sharp metal offers. She can't do that to Craig though. No, he's putting so much effort in to helping her not cut. He cares so much. Maybe that's what she was lacking before. Someone he cared about her enough to make her not want to harm herself. She never would've thought the person that cared would be Craig Tucker.

(the razor is calling her back seductively, like a lover but no baby. you're no lover. you're a demon and i can't go back there. not again.)

SPSPSPSP

Time has passed and Kyla almost never cuts. Nearly a year has passed and Craig is proud of her. They're sitting at Stark's Pond, the first place they kissed even if the circumstances weren't the best.

"Do you realize if I never had that abortion, I would have given birth by now? I would have a little baby?" said Kyla softly

"You couldn't have taken care of a baby yourself." Craig reminded her

"My parents don't believe in giving children up for adoption. They adopted Ike, and think it's cruel to give a child up." Kyla replied

"There's no changing the past, just living with it." Craig said calmly

"You're right." agreed Kyla before he pulled her in to a deep kiss

"I hate my scars." Kyla admitted after a moment of silence

"I don't." Craig disagreed

"How can you not? They're ugly and I hate that I was weak enough to succumb to that." distressed Kyla

"You have scars because you're strong. You lived didn't you? They're more like battle scars, they tell your story." Craig said thoughtfully

"I love you, Craig." said Kyla

"I love you too, Kyla." Craig replied

(problems never go away forever, but then again this wasn't the end of their story. it wasn't the beginning either, though. it was rather close to a perfect moment, wouldn't you say?)

SPSPSPSP

A/N: Whoa, I finally finished my first South Park story. It took _months_ to finish too! I hope you enjoyed. Please review. I also mentioned the gender bender was important. I will never write an m-preg. Sorry, I just can't. I hope it was good.

Notice!

I am considering writing two more companion pieces to this story. They would not focus on Kyla and Craig however. Their story is done for now. If you're interested in the companion pieces, just tell me.

Thank you so much for reading Infractus Animus!

Love,

Goldie


End file.
